Well, it took Becci less than 24 hours to notice that I’ve changed my logo. #impressed
Good Lord, it has been nearly six month since my last post. Where to begin?
Two major updates:
- I had a baby. My second and my last.
It’s weird (and amazing) to think that my days of procreation are behind me. I guess I figured they’d last longer, but I’m delighted that they’re over.I have been struggling with anxiety again as of late, rucked up again by the fear that I have a vaginal prolapse due to giving birth to my second child. Seriously, when you start squeezing things out of small openings in your body, things get a little strange. At my two week postpartum appointment, my OB told me I had developed a prolapse (things were coming out a little).
Fast forward four months. I have been worrying daily about this stupid prolapse, something I can’t change. Logical, right? I went to the doctor today who informed me I have no prolapse happening and that my cervix is just where I left it before giving birth: nearly on the back of my neck…or at least that’s what it feels like when she goes rooting around for it.
I went in complaining of prolapse.
I left with a bottle of Prozac.
So there’s that.
My baby son is amazing.
I thought for sure I’d have another saucer-eyed, fairy child Seth look-alike again, but I didn’t. This one takes after me, with his large ears (that he’ll grow into in, oh, about fifteen years) to his explosive bowels (oh the stories my parents tell of when I was little). My heart breaks over how much I love him; we “talk” back and forth to each other in the wee hours of the morning–him cooing and gurgling and me shamelessly baby talking–the kind of stuff I swore I would never do, but I j u s t c a n ‘ t h e l p m y s e l f h e ‘ s s o c u t e .
He’s already starting to grow up; I keep sending newborn clothes, and now, three month clothes, to Goodwill instead of putting them back into purple plastic bins to store downstairs. It all feels very definite, a reminder that the womb has closed up shop.
People ask me if I feel sad about not having a girl and never knowing what it’s like to have one. And I think on some level, yeah, I guess, a little. Because I am a curious person. And my mom and I have a great relationship. But then a larger, more practical part of me thinks NOPE.
I never have to deal with:
– buying another set of clothes (hand-me-downs. hallelujiah.)
– periods. tampon education.
– competition for Alpha female status
– boys/men and the potential ick that goes along with all of that
So instead, I get to train these boys on how to be good men and how to treat women. That is, in part, how I get to help heal the world.
And also, I’m closer to having one of my dreams be fulfilled: going camping with my boys, sending them with their dad to fish, and staying back in camp all by myself with nothing to do but to read.
Can you imagine the luxury of it all!?!
But in the meantime, as I wait for these children to become fishing-age, I try to carve out little pockets of the day with the smaller one, preferably when his attention-stealing brother is asleep, in which I just stare at Jude and his amazing knee poufs of fat. Seriously, this child is so much chubbier than Elliott was.
I want to eat him.
- I started a book club. I just got the idea one day, and I mentioned it to one of my friends, and she was down. So we put it on Facebook. Here’s the thing: I’ve actually had parties that no one has come to–at least for the first hour. I’ve sat on the couch, gazing at a table full of cut up veggies, artichoke dip, and jalapeno poppers, worried that I was the kid whose party everyone was secretly texting each other about:- “Are you gonna make it to Carrie’s party?”- “I’m not jazzed about it. You?”- “Yeah, I’m trying to figure out a way to bow out gracefully.”So when I started this book club thing, I fully expected to have to shut it down after the first meeting due to lack of interest. To my delight, we had EIGHT people attend the first meeting–which to me, equals a success! I haven’t had that much fun in a long time too; it’s such a good mix of conservatives and liberals, of logically-based thinkers and emotional feelers. I haven’t discussed literature with other people since I graduated college in 2007, and damn if it doesn’t feel oh-so good.Truth be told, I need other things in my life that aren’t kid-related. I have to sit in a room with other adults and talk about adultsy things. I get a little grim if I don’t make creative space for me as a person.
Other than that, I’ve been trying to get these boys and my little self out the door at least once per day, whether it’s to the library or for a walk or just a drive to Seth’s office to say hi.
And I’m finding I have been at peace and even grateful for the routine things I have to do to keep this house running–dishes, laundry, cleaning, and preparing meals. There’s something gratifying about being needed, and right now, I’m more needed than I ever have been.
Oh! PS: My hair-growing-out efforts are finally starting to pay off! I’m pretty sure my hair is longer than it ever has been in my entire life–past my bra in the back! But I swear, it’s trying to thwart my plans for mermaid hair. I’ve nearly burned it twice on the stove (a hair burning incident circa 1999 was responsible for my addiction to short hair for the past fifteen years), and I’ve definitely hit the three-month, hair-falling-out-in-clumps, postpartum hair slump. And yet, I weather on, determined to BE Ariel in a year.
I got goalz.